we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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