I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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