I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Is it penis luge time yet?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
