My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
