my phone needs a breathalizer
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
