In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
