I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
