I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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