dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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