my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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