Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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