Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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