im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
