is your mom at the bar?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
