"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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