I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
