My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
