You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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