A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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