remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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