God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
