I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
