Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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