I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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