He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
