im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
