That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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