I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
