there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
