every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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