Your dad touched me again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
