Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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