I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
