Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You can't just leave with hair like that
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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