if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
