I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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