So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
