im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
