i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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