So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
