sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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