...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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