did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
