I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
