This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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