You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
