im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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