i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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