i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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