Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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