i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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