So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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