there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
